Features Apr 2, 2009 at 4:00 am

The Different Kinds of People That There Are

A Complete List

Lindy West
As originally printed Photos by Kelly O and Mike Wilkes
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Comments

1
This was the best thing I've ever read on the stranger.
on April 1, 2009 at 12:31 PM Report this
2
You left out "People Who Don't Divide the World into Different Kinds of People", even though those people clearly aren't paying attention. They're out there, though. Probably watching Two and a Half Men.
on April 1, 2009 at 12:47 PM Report this
3
I love you too.
on April 1, 2009 at 12:51 PM Report this
4
people who type "first"
on April 1, 2009 at 12:59 PM Report this
5
that shits funny. thanx for making temping bearable. u forgot about people who bite thier nails and stare at the calendar though.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:01 PM Report this
6
Dear Fat Hipster,

This is the greatest Stranger article of 2009! Sorry, other Stranger writers. Even though it's only April 1 you've already lost.

Lindy, can I bear your children?

Sincerely,
Evil Clown Recession Hooker
on April 1, 2009 at 1:03 PM Report this
7
The line "There but for writing a bunch of bullshit in a paper, go I" sums up this piece.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:05 PM Report this
8
haha amen to the comment about television.

i was a mass communications major in college..obviously tv had to be a major part of my life. doesn't make me a moron. just like listening to npr doesn't make you smart.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:07 PM Report this
9
I *heart* you Lindy West. Really you are just buckets of kittens adorable. Thank you.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:13 PM Report this
10
I love you too, young Robert Benchley with boobies.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:23 PM Report this
11
Ohmygod, I love you.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:49 PM Report this
12
Lindy motherfuckin' West you are my HEROOOOOOOOOO. I bow to your genius.
on April 1, 2009 at 1:53 PM Report this
13
You also forgot "People who HAVE to comment on the snow and say how much they're looking forward to moving back to California." So? Move already. And what's wrong with Russian wizards? Have you read the Night Watch series by Sergei Lukyanenko?
on April 1, 2009 at 1:57 PM Report this
14
I love you. Marry me?
on April 1, 2009 at 2:00 PM Report this
15
That was fucking obnoxious. So you've got some pet peeves. Its worth writing about? Isn't there something more write-worthy going on right now?
on April 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM Report this
16
You don't ride a fixed gear Lindy...?
on April 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM Report this
17
That was amazing. The part about wizards slayed me. I cannot say with certainty that my coworkers are not wizards.
on April 1, 2009 at 2:09 PM Report this
18
Isn't facebook for shit like this
on April 1, 2009 at 2:46 PM Report this
19
Good fucking God that was funny. Lindy, you are the master.
on April 1, 2009 at 2:55 PM Report this
20
soooo Seattle, sorry.
on April 1, 2009 at 3:04 PM Report this
21
I didn't know you had a beard in addition to being a fat hipster, but if you wrote a column like this every week I'd read it. Who's your boss there? Can't he make this a regular feature?
on April 1, 2009 at 3:16 PM Report this
22
Interestingly, the Seattle Times also published a recent article attacking|about people who post comments on blogs. It was the usual "live in their parents basement" aspersion.

Seriously, if you're going to have comments, why complain about what is posted? And if you don't want anonymous posting, why not use Gravitar?
on April 1, 2009 at 4:01 PM Report this
23
Under People Who Are Old, you left out the "of Titanic" after "the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end"
on April 1, 2009 at 4:16 PM Report this
24
You earned yourself an open invitation to dinner at my house. There will be cake.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:16 PM Report this
25
You've been to Saturn? Hey, I've been to Saturn! Whoa. Sandworms. You hate 'em right? I hate 'em myself.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:18 PM Report this
26
Can we stop with the "I love you Lindsys" and "PLEASE bear my children, Lindsy" comments on every piece of drek this woman vomits on a page? Thanks.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:18 PM Report this
27
I love you Lindy!

(Suck it Cookie Cutter)
on April 1, 2009 at 4:23 PM Report this
28
Lindy is my hero.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:24 PM Report this
29
This just reminded me of the one thing that I didn't hate about FUCKING SEATTLE! when i ;lived there:
The Stranger!
Thanks
on April 1, 2009 at 4:26 PM Report this
30
Too bad you had to read all the way to here to see this comment.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:32 PM Report this
31
Lindy, I don't need TV. I have you!
on April 1, 2009 at 4:33 PM Report this
32
This is one of the best articles I have read. Although I would like to secretly still believe that "People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice" are secretly the devils spawn who only have hate in their hearts.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:34 PM Report this
33
that was fuckin lame..... you don't know how sick i am of reading things that attempt to be witty (and its extremely obvious they're trying) and its just not. stop. and that jimmy stewart yeti smuggling shit was on boingboing a couple weeks ago.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:36 PM Report this
34
If "Tweet" is the verb, are "Twit" and "Twat" now proper conjugations of it ?
on April 1, 2009 at 4:40 PM Report this
35
Hobo is a fun word which should be used as often as possible. Also, I would happily read any publication cover to cover if it were written entirely by the hilarious and wonderful you.
on April 1, 2009 at 4:59 PM Report this
36
Lindy Lindy Lindy
Lindy all day long
We love Lindy so much
We sing the Lindy Song
HEY!
on April 1, 2009 at 5:03 PM Report this
37
Lindy you are awesome. And I'm going to go use the word romanceful somewhere right now.
on April 1, 2009 at 5:20 PM Report this
38
Amazing.
on April 1, 2009 at 5:41 PM Report this
39
Yeah, I know i'm that person. I was laughing merrily until I got the part about ppl and evolution. Why do the ppl on the strnager think they are so avant garde and cutting edge when they hate on Christians? FYI, you are doing the same exact things you always accuse Christians of, i.e. puting them in a box, discrimanting against them, etc. Thre are all kinds of Christians and even if we were all fundies we would still have the right to our beliefs and opinions.

p.s.- for the all the bs i know is coming blah blah blah yeah some Christians discrimate, some hatemonger, some are hypocrites. Isn't some of everyone?
on April 1, 2009 at 5:51 PM Report this
40
Fanfuckingtastic.
on April 1, 2009 at 6:01 PM Report this
41
Just read the comments. Man, there are a lot of humorless shits out there.
on April 1, 2009 at 6:06 PM Report this
42
As always, good stuff, Lindy. I am beginning to think that you and Paul Constant are the reasons I read this blog.
on April 1, 2009 at 6:13 PM Report this
43
the bit about TV was stupid.
there are some people who don't watch tv because...they just don't. not because they are "symbolically" trying to make a statement.
in the last ten years, i've owned a tv for only one year. this is because i just like doing other things, is because i'm busy, is because i'm cheap, and is because i don't like the space it takes up and so on and so on.
it's not symbolism.

where's the section in the article about People Who Blather On About The Most Important TV Show EVAR ...and Then Can't Deal...OMG You Haven't SEEN That? You've NEVAR Seen Lost or Battlestar Galactica or 24 or Project Runway blah blah blah...
on April 1, 2009 at 6:16 PM Report this
44
Lindy, as a token of my creepy Interwebs love for you, I recommend you watch the feast in the movie "Big Night." Seriously... it is really nice.
on April 1, 2009 at 6:50 PM Report this
45
I love you, too. That was wonderful.
on April 1, 2009 at 6:52 PM Report this
46
lindy won funniest person in high school. she's also one of the nicest person you'll ever meet. (in other words, that person who is pretty and smart and funny and so super friendly and thoughtful.)
on April 1, 2009 at 7:02 PM Report this
47
"The Different Kinds of People That There Are" is one of the best headlines that there is.

My only complaint -- and it's a wee one -- is that all of the pictures are of basically The Same Kinds of People, except maybe for the Smoking Man, but the others could easily become him eventually.
on April 1, 2009 at 7:26 PM Report this
48
Hey, I AM scared of clowns, it goes back to reading "It" in seventh grade and the subsequent clown nightmares. But you're right, not all of them are scary, how could you not like Krusty?!
on April 1, 2009 at 7:32 PM Report this
49
Part of me agrees with you just the slightest bit, and another, much larger part of me thinks that you're a condescending bitch who acts like a fucking hypocrite by dividing up people into one of three groups (lovably dopey, people who make you hot and bothered, and blasphemers who are neither), then subtly dropping hints as to who you should and shouldn't be nice to.

Oh, here's the best part. This is you: "Hi, I'm Lindy West. Here's some people who I like and don't like. Don't bother with the fact that I'm kind of being a bitch by doing this, and the fact that to me, difference of opinion is a nice way of saying that they're beneath me. Really, try to focus on the jokes. Hey, look, here's a joke about a wizard, please try to pay attention to that instead!"

God, shut the fuck UP now and then, please? Every time I turn around there's another Lindy West story that I half-like and half-hate her guts for.

This particular article is one of her most revealing. It's like Lindy West soup: A joke now and then sprinkled on top of rich, chunky self-righteousness and a healthy dose of condescension. How's it feel up on your pedestal? Does it feel good? I bet it does. Go get herpes.
on April 1, 2009 at 7:33 PM Report this
50
"Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?"

That line made my day. Thank you.
on April 1, 2009 at 7:55 PM Report this
51
My GOD, this was so amazing. Totally made my day. How do I put the way I feel into words? I just can't. I just. Can't.
on April 1, 2009 at 8:32 PM Report this
52
Also, may I remind some people to not take life SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
on April 1, 2009 at 8:33 PM Report this
53
I don't watch the teevee. Does that make me not-not-dumb? No! Screw you, all you hipster fatties! SCREW you. So what if you can beat me in Trivial Pursuit.
on April 1, 2009 at 9:21 PM Report this
54
oh Lindy, my heart pumps for you and your writing. but i do hate clowns.
on April 1, 2009 at 9:23 PM Report this
55
I love Lindy West so much.
on April 1, 2009 at 9:33 PM Report this
56
i think you try too hard. it must be tiring. but at least you get paid for it.
on April 1, 2009 at 9:49 PM Report this
57
Oh Lindy, your writing is wonderful. Thank you!
on April 1, 2009 at 9:56 PM Report this
58
I laughed out loud! This was funny and entertaining.
on April 1, 2009 at 9:58 PM Report this
59
I only don't watch TV because I am too neurotic to pay attention to a video for a half hour because oh my god there's so much else I could be doing and I can just watch it on Hulu later and anyway there's nobody to watch it with me and I have to keep up with my Google Reader, and listen if I watch TV, the universe? It's totally going to explode.

Also it keeps people from telling me 'oh you need to watch this one show that everyone else is watching' when I'm just like 'meh, do you want to just get lunch and talk about kittens or something? Some coffee? No?' because I don't want to disappoint anyone so I just pretend I am part of the weird anti-TV movement when really I just don't want to commit to getting into a series, because I am afraid of everything.

But seriously. Getting lunch and talking about kittens. It's the next market trend, I can feel it.
on April 1, 2009 at 10:03 PM Report this
60
I officially love you, Lindy.

It's true. Why?

"Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about."

I'm mentally sending you all the Ranier (and breakfast Sprite) you can handle.

Fools go drink the haterade, she is funny.
She is damn funny.

I *heart* LW.
on April 1, 2009 at 10:05 PM Report this
61
This just made my night! Such truth and comic. LOVE IT!

XOXOXO
on April 1, 2009 at 10:15 PM Report this
62
Dear Lindy West,

A+ piece. Also, I love you too. But please tell Paul Constant that I love him more.

Nothing personal or anything. He's just more my type.

Love, Jocelyn.
on April 1, 2009 at 10:31 PM Report this
63
hilarious...made my day way better
on April 1, 2009 at 10:45 PM Report this
64
Uhm, Lindy, I love you. I swore off posting for The Stranger for a while--maybe you should add a category of "People who think Dan Savage is racist for blaming Black people for Prop. 8 and therefore pretend not to read The Stranger until Lindy posts the best article ever."

My fav part is about the cats walking across the cutting board with their shitty paws.

You delight me!!!!
on April 1, 2009 at 11:06 PM Report this
65
Lindy, you are quickly replacing Adrian! as the love of my Stranger-influenced life.
on April 1, 2009 at 11:13 PM Report this
66
lindy
...you know i heart you too. ? right.. always...
but where IS adrian ?..
just axin..
on April 2, 2009 at 12:38 AM Report this
67
I've managed to stay up until 4:30 a.m. and not beat it.
on April 2, 2009 at 4:27 AM Report this
68
Stephen: You can use "Twit" and "Twat" only if you are a "Twink".
on April 2, 2009 at 5:08 AM Report this
69
Awesome. This article is the reason I'm bookmarking this site, right now.

Matt
on April 2, 2009 at 5:47 AM Report this
70
you can't hate nambla the clown... he's not scary... unless the acid is just kickin in... but people who wear cat-eye contacts... they is scary... and people who use too many elipses...
on April 2, 2009 at 6:14 AM Report this
71
i love you too :)
on April 2, 2009 at 6:20 AM Report this
72
FINALLY. someone who shares my annoyance at people who say they're afraid of clowns. you expressed my feelings quite accurately. bravo! then again, i'm one of those douchebags who doesn't watch TV... go figure.
on April 2, 2009 at 6:21 AM Report this
73
Lindy,
You won my heart months ago with "Type 1 Fly-abetes!"
This whole article just confirms it: You're my favorite.
on April 2, 2009 at 6:48 AM Report this
74
My father always said there are only forty two people in the world. I always thought that was pretty accurate. Your archetypes are much funnier. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
-n
on April 2, 2009 at 7:10 AM Report this
75
Seriously, this article is made of win and awesome
on April 2, 2009 at 7:16 AM Report this
76
Thank you SO much for writing this. Hilarious and brilliant - you're a genius. :)
on April 2, 2009 at 8:04 AM Report this
77
OK, OK, OK, I know this is starting to get kinda old now, but I just gotta say: I LOVE THIS!!! You and Savage Dan, Lindy! You guys made my day. Lindy, think about this: If you did date a "hobo", could it potentially turn into a "bum lay"? (Sorry--that's an old joke I read in Playboy in the 1950's, I think.) Also, don't forget Bill Paxton was pretty good in that vampire movie, and also in that movie where that old lady throws the jewel in the ocean at the end. I don't watch TV except at other people's houses. Not a political statement, but for almost 20 years I lived beside a lake, in a valley, where reception was almost nonexistent and I was/am too cheap/poor to get cable. Best wishes from northwest Pennsylvania, and keep up the great work!--Tim
on April 2, 2009 at 8:28 AM Report this
78
I like how everyone either blindly loves this article or finds something to passionately hate about it.
on April 2, 2009 at 8:35 AM Report this
79
Fat + Hipster is much better than skinny jeans + ANYTHING!!!
on April 2, 2009 at 8:40 AM Report this
80
@ gloomy gus- seriously? Robert Benchley? How old are you? 95? 96?
on April 2, 2009 at 8:41 AM Report this
81
I read lists like these at least weekly from all over Internet.
Is this really new stuff to all you folks? It seemed pretty "meh" to me.
Sorry Lindy.
on April 2, 2009 at 8:41 AM Report this
82
love it!
on April 2, 2009 at 8:53 AM Report this
83
This is pitiful. Nice try at seeming witty.
on April 2, 2009 at 9:03 AM Report this
84
I much prefer the classical-Linnean style of "Cherohonkees / Food Court Druids", as opposed to the "Dear Diary" style that $100-Away-From-Recession-Hooker has employed here.
on April 2, 2009 at 9:31 AM Report this
85
that was great! And I am afraid of clowns but I watch TV.
on April 2, 2009 at 9:43 AM Report this
86
This article is made entirely of AWESOME.
on April 2, 2009 at 9:58 AM Report this
87
the fun-high i got from reading that was so great it totally sustained me through reading all the comments that were (as i'm sure you anticipated when you wrote this) just examples of what you were talking about. i know you're probably past reading comments right now, but sometimes i have so much fun (laughing out loud on my couch so hard i had to put down breakfast) i just have to thank the person. so thanks, lindy. and ha ha to all the people who think their burn really matters to her. she's so much cooler than you.
on April 2, 2009 at 10:05 AM Report this
88
I thought it was funny and agree with most of it, but why do you still think religion and science are mutually exclusive. It's as old and stupid as the abortion debate. Why can't you just be cool to people with beliefs?
on April 2, 2009 at 10:09 AM Report this
89
This is the best thing I have ever read.
on April 2, 2009 at 10:37 AM Report this
90
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love.

Is my favorite line ever. Thanks for making Thursday a little better!
on April 2, 2009 at 11:11 AM Report this
91
In regards to "People who are Old".

George Burns, and Andy Rooney aren't old. They're dead.
on April 2, 2009 at 11:19 AM Report this
92
OMG Lindy I love you so much I think I just came in my pants. Christ. You Lindy loving twats make me sick.
on April 2, 2009 at 11:37 AM Report this
93
nicely written. you're a bitchy dave barry. but funny.
on April 2, 2009 at 11:38 AM Report this
94
This is one of the greatest features in The Stranger ever, and it is hands-down the funniest. I was reading it on the bus, and I was totally laughing - not just on the inside, but on the outside too. And people were looking at me, but it was ok. And I love you too.
on April 2, 2009 at 11:39 AM Report this
95
My GOD woman, you've touched me in ways I've never thought possible for a woman to touch a man! Probably because I thought women were only supposed to touch my rugged manliness located in the midst of Firecrotch Forest. That's gross, I'm sorry, what were we talking about? No I Will Not Make Out With You! I'm Here To Learn, People, Not TO Make Out With You!
on April 2, 2009 at 11:48 AM Report this
96
I love this article. You forgot nothing.
on April 2, 2009 at 11:57 AM Report this
97
awesome! so going to read your stuff from now on!
on April 2, 2009 at 11:58 AM Report this
98
Hilarious. Thanks for actually making me laugh out loud several times.
on April 2, 2009 at 12:05 PM Report this
99
i am DYING. this is so HILARIOUS.
on April 2, 2009 at 12:23 PM Report this
100
This is love. Love you.
on April 2, 2009 at 12:28 PM Report this

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