Today's weather is mostly sunny with a high near 78, which means half our fair city will pretend it’s a heatwave while the other half will refuse to give up their Patagonia fleece.

Trump Hangs up Faster Than You Can Say “Flight Log”: Despite Speaker Johnson abruptly shutting down the House, this scandal just won’t die. Turns out Donald Trump was personally told by Attorney General Pam Bondi back in May that his name pops up multiple times in the Epstein files—the very same files the feds promised to release before pulling a hard U-turn. According to The Wall Street Journal, both Bondi and FBI-director-loyalist Kash Patel warned Trump, brushing off the mentions as “unverified hearsay” about his old Epstein hangouts. And Trump? He responded the way any totally innocent person would: by hanging up on CNN. With even some House Republicans now backing Dems to get those files out in the open and Ghislaine Maxwell freshly subpoenaed, the Epstein vortex is sucking DC back into its sleaze orbit. Trump, reportedly “furious,” says there are way more important stories—like his latest attempt to accuse Obama of treason. Uh huh…

Gaza Is Starving While World Leaders Stall: While world leaders churn out limp press releases and squabble over phantom “humanitarian corridors,” more than 100 aid organizations are shouting what should already be unbearable to ignore: Gaza is starving, and Israel’s blockade is to blame. In a searing joint statement titled “As Mass Starvation Spreads Across Gaza, Our Colleagues and Those We Serve Are Wasting Away,” they describe skeletal children, aid workers collapsing from hunger, and food distribution sites turned into massacre zones. As of July 13, more than 875 Palestinians have been killed while seeking food. Meanwhile, trucks packed with food, clean water, and medicine sit idle just outside Gaza—trapped by a siege designed not to fail, but to punish. “Each morning, the same question echoes across Gaza: will I eat today?” one agency rep said. The answer, too often, is no. This isn’t just a famine. It’s a war crime, and every day the world delays, more lives are lost to the politics of cruelty.

Hellfire Roast: Turns out Starbucks isn’t just serving up venti-sized lattes—it’s pouring out infernal levels of executive greed. Per the AFL-CIO’s new Executive Paywatch report, CEO Brian Niccol made 6,666 times more than the company’s typical worker last year. That’s right: six-six-six-six—a number so cursed it practically demands a goat sacrifice. While Niccol sipped nearly $98 million in compensation, the average barista scraped by on less than $15K. Starbucks claims this is because many workers are part-time, but that hasn’t stopped the company from dropping millions on union-busting lawyers and listening sessions instead of just, you know, paying people more. Workers have been striking, organizing, and dragging the company into court for years—meanwhile, Niccol’s getting a fat Trump-era tax cut on top of his stock-heavy bonus package. That mocha latte might taste a little more bitter now.

The Government Just Ghosted Your Debt Relief: So, the Department of Education just hit pause on student loan forgiveness for folks in Income-Based Repayment plans. Which means if you’ve been grinding for years thinking you were finally done, the government’s like, “Actually, we need to recalculate your trauma first.” Interest kicks back in August 1, the tax break on forgiven debt expires in January, and a Trump administration, already hostile to student debt relief, most likely slow-walking the loan forgiveness process like it's a hostage negotiation. God forbid working people catch a break without crawling through a decade of red tape and moral judgment.

Now, let us get into the tragicomedy that is our local news…

Fergie Has Some ‘Splaining to Do: While Gov. Ferguson was thwarting taxes on billionaires last budget session, he somehow missed the stack of misconduct allegations piling up against his right-hand man, Mike Webb. Axios reports that although Webb resigned this year after multiple women accused him of creating a hostile work environment, red flags on the guy go back to 2013, with state auditors raising alarms as far back as 2019 with Ferguson’s office. The paraphrased response from Ferguson’s crew at the time? No formal HR complaint, so we’re good. Political code for “If you didn’t notarize your trauma, it doesn’t count.” And the kicker? Webb’s still tagging along and flying shotgun on campaign trips with Ferguson’s team as recently as last month. Apparently, in state politics, being a powerful creep doesn’t get you canceled. It gets you extra leg room.

No Last Words, Just Lasting Rage: At his sentencing for the brutal murders of four University of Idaho students, Bryan Kohberger sat stone-faced and silent—offering zero explanation, zero remorse, and zero closure to the families he devastated. Prosecutors didn’t bother pushing for a plea deal that would force him to speak, because let’s be real: no one needed more self-serving nonsense from a guy who thinks silence makes him mysterious instead of monstrous. The Goncalves family, especially Kaylee’s sister Alivea, didn’t hold back—calling him “pathetic” and making it crystal clear he only succeeded because he attacked in the dark, like a coward. No motive, no mercy, no justice—just a courtroom full of grief staring down a man who will never give them what they actually deserve.

Court Upholds Birthright Citizenship, for Now: A federal appeals court has ruled Trump’s executive order to end birthright citizenship unconstitutional, echoing a previous decision from a New Hampshire district court. Essentially, Terror 47 tried to rewrite the Constitution with magic marker, and the courts just reminded him that reality still exists. The ruling simply states what every exhausted civics teacher in America has been screaming into the void: you can’t undo the 14th Amendment just because it ruins your fascist fantasy. Washington was one of the states to bring the case against the administration.

Fire in the Central District: A fire tore through Seattle’s Chinatown International Central District early Thursday, starting in a vacant home under construction and spreading to several neighboring homes, displacing multiple families. Thankfully, no residents were seriously hurt, although one firefighter was treated for minor injuries. The city is currently investigating the cause of the fire.

Can’t Win in Court? Block the Judge: Municipal Court Judge Damon Shadid just dragged City Attorney Ann Davison’s office in open court for what looks like a power-hungry, politically motivated stunt—blocking Judge Pooja Vaddadi from hearing DUI and domestic violence cases based on what Vaddadi says are straight-up lies. Davison’s move, which sidelined a newly elected judge and basically turned a voter mandate into a desk job, has now triggered a formal bar complaint and serious questions about ethics, transparency, and who actually gets to wield power in Seattle’s justice system. And now, as Davison runs for reelection with MAGA baggage and a suddenly fat campaign account, she’s facing three challengers who seem more interested in actual justice than playing courtroom politics.

Do Not Sign This Shit! In a raging case of voter suppression FOMO, Washington state conservatives are pushing a ballot initiative to literally gatekeep democracy. It's the bureaucratic equivalent of “Show us your papers, comrade,” as if the right to vote should come with a TSA checkpoint and a scavenger hunt for your birth certificate. No more checking a box. It would now be, prove you’re American enough, or get the hell out of the ballot line. Let’s just be real: the GOP doesn’t fear non-citizens voting. They fear citizens voting against them. If they can’t win your vote, they’ll sure as hell try to make it as hard as possible to vote in the first place.

Waterfront Park Officially Opens: Our Emerald City officially unveiled its latest glow-up moment with the opening of the new Waterfront Park. Yes, 50,000 square feet of vibes where a collapsing highway used to loom like a concrete guillotine. After 15 years, we get a jellyfish-shaped playground, a fountain plaza, and 270 free events later this Summer. Essentially, it’s the city saying, “Sorry about the viaduct drama, here’s some yoga and a couple of food pop-ups.”

Seattle Loves Renters So Much It Won’t Even Let Them Meet: For 18 months, Cathy Moore basically ghosted the Seattle Renters’ Commission. There were no hearings, no appointments, nothing, while she pushed bills that would’ve made it way easier to evict people. Flash forward: she resigns, and just when it looks like the commission might finally get seated, Councilmembers Rob Saka and Sara Nelson pull a classic “Sorry, can’t come, super busy avoiding the duties we were elected to fulfill” move and tank the meeting by skipping it. Meanwhile, renters—many of them volunteers who took time off work—showed up ready to serve their community, only to get hit with silence, shade, and a 404 error from Saka’s office. You can’t make this up.

Donnie Chin Honored: Ten years after Donnie Chin was shot and killed while responding to a 911 call, the Chinatown-International District showed up, not just to mourn, but to remember a man who basically did the city’s job for it. Donnie wasn’t just a first responder; he was the first responder, often beating cops and medics to the scene because the system didn’t care enough to show up for his community. And here’s the part that still stings: a decade later, his murder is still unsolved.

Your Obligatory Seahawks 411: For the 5 percent of you who actually care and the 15 percent who just want to survive small talk with your partner’s meathhead sibling, here’s your Seahawks update. They just kicked off training camp for their 50th season with a new offensive coordinator, a quarterback best known for seeing “ghosts” mid-game, and the kind of blind optimism usually reserved for football fans and people joining multi-level marketing schemes. Last year, they went 10-7 and still missed the playoffs. But hey, if the defense stays mean, the rookies stay healthy, and the offense stops self-sabotaging, they might just luck their way into the postseason.

Death gives Hogan the big boot: I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t valorize people, simply because their heart stops beating. So, I won’t pretend Hulk Hogan was anything but what he was. He died at 71 from cardiac arrest in Florida, leaving behind a legacy as bloated and performative as pro wrestling itself. Yes, he helped turn wrestling into a pop culture juggernaut, but he also brought us sex tapes, racist rants, and more tall tales than a televangelist on mushrooms—Elvis was a Hulkamaniac? Really? Even in death, Hogan is less a man than a cautionary tale—part myth, part lawsuit, and all-American spectacle, brother.

I’ll Leave You With this: someone just randomly texted me that it’s Jennifer Lopez’s birthday. I’m not a fan, so I’m not sure why I needed that information, but apparently she’s completed her 56th lap around the sun. In honor of the occasion, and because LL Cool J is involved, here’s her most tolerable song.