WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? Sorry, I can't hear you over the Blue Angels rattling the foundations of my apartment building. They'll be gone after the weekend, but not before more ear-shattering, bone-shaking noise. You wanted the news? Okay, okay, we'll get you the news.
Little Fires Everywhere: Fire officials believe we have an arsonist in our midst. In the past week, four fires sparked in the Beacon Hill and Columbia City neighborhoods under suspicious circumstances. The fires occurred at a home under construction, the Columbia Funeral Home and Crematory, and a fence. Officials believe this firebug is the culprit. Another fire on Thursday seemed "suspicious." They are offering $10,000 for any information about the suspect.
Big News in Mariners Land: Third baseman Eugenio Suarez came home to T-Mobile Park after the Mariners made a good trade for him just before the trade deadline. Mercury must really be in retrograde because my sources (the disappointing history of the franchise) say this kind of thing never happens. The Ms won 6-0. Suarez doubled and scored a run.
SPD Wants to Hear from You: If you were at Mayday USA, the far-right Christian Nationalist rally against trans and reproductive rights, and you got caught up in the Seattle Police Department's "crowd control efforts," SPD wants to hear from you! Why? Probably to save face. But the department says this community poll is part of a full review of the May protest and it will “help inform our work and ensure community perspectives are part of upcoming reviews and policy recommendations."
On the Subject of Christian Nationalists: SPD is investigating a shooting that killed one person outside of the Pursuit Northwest, a church in the University District. Leaders of Pursuit NW were also co-leaders of Mayday USA and instigated the "Rattle in Seattle" at City Hall following the Mayday USA event.
Good Use of $200 million: Donald Trump just wants to be king. Part of that means adding a 90,000-square-foot event space to his castle. Er, uh, the White House, I mean. The money will come from Trump and unidentified donors.
Trump announces that he’s having a 90,000 sq ft event space added to the White House
— David S. Bernstein (@dbernstein.bsky.social) July 31, 2025 at 12:40 PM
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WHAT? WHAT SORRY THE PLANES ARE SO LOUD: Sorry, those damn fighter jets. What was that again? OH. The weather? You wanted to know about the weather. Well. High 70s. Cloudy. More humid than you'd expect.
This Is Gonna Ruin the Tour: Justin Timberlake has Lyme disease.
Seattle Sues Trump: Seven months after Trump announced executive orders eliminating gender identity and diversity, equity, and inclusion policies from local jurisdictions at the expense of already-allocated Congressional dollars, Seattle Attorney Ann Davison and Mayor Bruce Harrell are suing. Other cities and jurisdictions, including King County, already sued over this months ago. I guess better late than never, even if making the move less than a week before the primary election reeks of re-election bid antics.
Job Market Is Looking Weak: In July, the US only added 73,000 new jobs. That's far weaker than previous months and indicates a weakening economy. However, it seems the job reports of May and June weren't accurate and were actually much worse than originally reported. According to new reports, only 19,000 jobs were added in May and June—much lower than the 291,000 originally reported. Economists say the bad job report is a result of Trump's new tariffs.
Not only is today’s employment report uniquely bad, but revisions to the prior months show that, on average, we have seen 35k net new jobs created for the last 3 months:
JAN: +111K
FEB: +102K
MAR: +120K
APR: +158K
MAY: +19K
JUN: +14K
JUL: +73KNo way to put lipstick on this pig.
— Ali Velshi (@velshi.com) August 1, 2025 at 6:25 AM
The Stock Market Agrees: Stocks tumbled and the poor, poor dollar dropped as investors responded to the wave of tariffs. Trump pushed the start date on the new tariffs on 66 countries back until August 7.
Let Britain's Most Tattooed Man Jerk Off, Please! Last Friday, Britain implemented age checks on porn sites, requiring users to supply a credit card and a photo ID that matches a selfie. Unfortunately for King of Ink Land King Body Art the Extreme Ink-Ite, which I believe is this man's name, the 1,600 hours he's spent tattooing his entire body, including his face and maybe his irises, the porn sites think he's wearing a mask and won't let him get his dirty video fix. That is criminal! “It keeps asking me to remove my face,” he said. He's considering using a VPN.
Is This One of the Bible Plagues? I'm a secular heathen, so help me out here. Was "radioactive wasp nest" one of the 10 plagues in Egypt? No? Okay, well, maybe it's not God they're dealing with in South Carolina, but they are certainly dealing with a highly radioactive nest of wasps at a site that used to develop nuclear material. Though now the wasps are dead and considered radioactive waste.
No Pierogis for Dershowitz: Alan Dershowitz, the attorney who defended O.J. Simpson, Donald Trump, and was on Jeffrey Epstein's legal team in 2008, is suing a farmers' market on Martha's Vineyard for refusing to sell him pierogis. The worker at the booth refused to sell to Dershowitz because of his politics and who he's represented. Dershowitz caused a whole scene. A third party told Dershowitz to use "they" to refer to the pierogi salesperson, to gender them correctly. The police told him to do the same when they showed up. Dershowitz, according to The Intelligencer, said, "That’s a matter between me and my grammarian — not anything the police should have anything to say over."
A song for your Friday: Just because of the war planes.
