My heart is breaking and it's my own fault. I started cheating on my husband of 29 years, casually at first â making out, getting groped, no penetrative sex â and then I met a man and we just clicked. I caught feelings and we started to have an intense, kinky, and very sexual and emotional relationship.
I love my husband. We are extremely compatible in so many ways, except this one: I am kinky and poly whereas he is vanilla and monogamous. Even though I haven't disclosed my cheating to him, we have been talking about my desire to be non-monogamous. He knows I'm kinkier than he is, although I can't disclose how I came to know I need BDSM in my life. I have also discovered that I am bisexual, but not biromantic. Because of this, my husband has moved on monogamy and agreed to be a little...
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I have presented to my husband that I WANT to be non-monogamous and that I am capable of polyamory. He hasn't consented. Even though he says he doesn't want to say no or hold me back from exploring my sexuality, he says if I were to issue an ultimatum, we would get divorced. So, this is basically his ultimatum. Meanwhile, my lover and I have recognized that the struggles in our relationship stem from the fact that I am cheating on my husband. It raises doubts for my lover about whether I am deceiving him, since I am obviously capable of deceit. I hate this. When I ask him what he wants, my lover says he wants me not to hate myself so much. And so, we have decided to "pause" our affair until I can figure out how to get right with my husband and be able to be ethically non-monogamous.
Adding to my heartbreak: I NEED both these relationships. My husband can only flex so far in the kink direction. He cannot be the dominant partner I need. I've told him this, more or less. And he takes it as saying that without that he is nothing, which is not true. He is almost everything, but he canât stand being not âenough.â He is afraid that I will resent him if he doesnât agree to non-monogamy. Which I don't. But if we divorce so I can feel fulfilled, that will destroy him. I donât think he believes I would choose non-monogamy or kink over him. And I really don't want to leave him or lose my lover. I cannot choose between them. I need them both. My heart is BREAKING. Help.
Brokenhearted And Seeking Insightful Counsel
Iâm sorry about your heart but I canât with your problem.
The mail this week â the mail for weeks â has been nothing but letters from long-married straight people thinking about cheating or already cheating or desperately trying to renegotiate monogamous commitments they made decades ago or desperately pretending thatâs what theyâre doing, i.e., theyâre going through the motions of discussing ethical non-monogamy in the hopes of legitimizing the non-ethical non-monogamy theyâre already practicing.
I donât mean to come across as unsympathetic, BASIC, but come on now. Youâve been smashing your pussy down on the self-destruct button for a while. You didnât get the answer you wanted from your husband â permission to fuck other men â and instead of countering his ultimatum (âNo fucking around with other men or itâs overâ) with your own ultimatum (âPermission to fuck around with other men or itâs overâ), you went out and started fucking around with other men. You may not have been consciously aware that you were smashing your pussy down on the self-destruct button, but you knew or should have known you were hurling turds at an apparatus with rotating blades.
This is all going to come out. Your husband is going to find out about your lover and then youâre going to find out whether your husbandâs threat to divorce was serious. Threatening to divorce someone you love is easy, actually divorcing someone you love is hard. And divorce is a long, drawn-out process, so your husband will have time to reconsider his decision once this shit finally hits the fan.
But only the truth can free you from the miserable corner into which youâve painted yourself. And while itâs going to be unpleasant, telling the truth â the messy, painful truth â is the only way out. Sometimes married people smash their hands/mouths/pussies/dicks down on the self-destruct button so hard the inevitable explosion destroys their marriages. Sometimes thatâs exactly what they want. But sometimes a marriage survives the explosion and something new and beautiful â or more tolerable and somewhat functional â gets built on the rubble. Maybe youâll be one of the lucky ones. But thereâs only one way to find out.
Alright, I dug through the mail for questions that arenât about cheating or negotiating non-monogamy or embracing tolyamory and managed to find a fewâŚ
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I am invited to a (gay) sex party. When invited for dinner you bring a bottle of wine, but what is the proper etiquette for a sex party? Come showered and douched, I guess. What else? Do I bring something for the host?
Newby At Sex Party
A host gift is a thoughtful idea, NASP, but slipping your (gay) host a little cash â paper towels are way more expensive than they used to be â may be a better idea.
âI usually ask for a ÂŁ5 tip to cover the costs of food, soft drinks, and hard drinks I provide at the parties I run,â said Ali Bushell, author of the Sex Party Handbook. âEven if the host of NASPâs first sex party doesn't ask for money, being willing to tip the host $10 or so is always appreciated. Itâs especially appreciated when the guest acknowledges the time and effort that went into making the event happen and mentions that theyâre grateful.â While Bushell makes alcoholic beverages available at the parties he hosts in his London home, not all sex party hosts serve booze. âBringing alcohol isn't a terrible idea,â said Bushell, âbut NASP needs to bear in mind some people might prefer the party to be dry. So, if heâs thinking of bringing a six pack of beer or bottle of wine to share, best to check with the host about whether that would be welcome.â
And big ups to arriving recently douched and freshly showered. Also: donât wear cologne, put your phone away, be polite when you decline to play with someone, be just as polite when someone declines to play with you, get on PrEP (prevents HIV infection), look into DoxyPEP (offers some protection against other sexually transmitted infections), and maybe consider using condoms (they offer excellent protection against HIV and other STIs).
Ali Bushellâs Sex Party Handbook is available on Amazon. When heâs not hosing sex parties, Bushell hosts the The Healers Guild, a podcast for people seeking or offering healing.
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I have a lover and we are long-distance. I'd like to spend the limited time we have in person doing physical activities â getting intimate â but he takes a long time to warm up and needs to spend a lot of time talking first. If we had all the time in the world, that wouldn't be a problem, but we usually only see each other on business trips that take us to each other's cities. Can we cut to the chase without shortchanging his need to reconnect emotionally first?
Down To Business.
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