I’m off this week. Please enjoy this column that originally ran in December of 2014. — Dan

What is your stance on maintenance sex? I'd never thought about the issue until reading Amy Poehler's new memoir. I didn't find anything she said controversial and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: "You have to have sex with your husband occasionally, even though you're exhausted. Sorry." I'd never realized many people firmly believe one should have sex with their partner only when they are in the mood! Some articles even made it sound like maintenance sex is a form of nonconsensual sex. I have sex with my husband pretty often when I'm not in the mood. He would prefer sex every day, and I'm more of an every-other-day or twice-a-week girl. I'd say about 25 percent of the time we are having sex, I am...

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Vivamus dui velit, vehicula non sodales a, aliquet sit amet orci. In lorem nulla, porttitor a nibh ac, auctor sodales libero. Phasellus sit amet consectetur urna, sed congue neque. Mauris a commodo arcu, sed commodo libero. Nam vel orci sapien. Pellentesque ac magna hendrerit, efficitur purus dapibus, facilisis est. Maecenas tortor ante, lacinia eget ante vitae, aliquet interdum tortor. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi quis bibendum arcu.
...doing it for maintenance purposes. I always enjoy it and I get off the majority of the time, but I don't always go in wanting it or needing it. Is this wrong? Am I not the feminist I thought I was?

Maintenance Sex Supporter

I'm pro maintenance sex, MSS.

Sometimes I need to sex my husband when I'm not feeling it; sometimes he needs to sex me when he's not feeling it. But maintenance sex is not the same thing as enthusiastic sex. The person asking for maintenance sex — the horny partner who's being indulged/milked/sexed by the non-horny partner — shouldn't expect mind-blowing, toe-curling, sheet-shredding sex. Maintenance sex is mellow sex, low-impact sex, low-stress sex, it's sex that requires minimal effort, and it's likely to be non-penetrative sex — and gratitude is the only appropriate response.

Another important note: Being pro maintenance sex doesn't obligate a person to have sex whenever their partner wants it. Proponents and practitioners of maintenance sex still get to say no. There's a difference between indulging your partner when you're not fully feeling it — when you could take it or leave it — and forcing yourself to have sex (or being guilted/pressured to have sex) when you're exhausted, sick, angry, or just unable to go/blow there.

And as you've discovered, MSS, and I can also attest, sometimes you go into sex “not wanting or needing it” and soon you’re enjoying it, too, e.g., you weren’t really in the mood when you started but you were in the mood before you finished. Those are the times when low-stress maintenance sex turns into mind-blowing sex. I would hate to think of how much great sex I would've missed if my feminist principles didn't allow for maintenance sex.

 

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Vivamus dui velit, vehicula non sodales a, aliquet sit amet orci. In lorem nulla, porttitor a nibh ac, auctor sodales libero. Phasellus sit amet consectetur urna, sed congue neque. Mauris a commodo arcu, sed commodo libero. Nam vel orci sapien. Pellentesque ac magna hendrerit, efficitur purus dapibus, facilisis est. Maecenas tortor ante, lacinia eget ante vitae, aliquet interdum tortor. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi quis bibendum arcu.